Today I want to talk about a question many of you have that is causing you soooo much distress and emotional pain. The question is “does my LOWD know what they are doing?" Or “Is my LOWD doing things on purpose?”
This is the 3rd part in a 3 part series focused on your thoughts and how your thoughts impact your mood AND your LO’s mood. This series has been something I’ve been working on with the members of my Care Course and I want to share some of that with you because I know it can be helpful. By really getting a handle on this concept and applying it to your life, you have the ability to greatly reduce the amount of your caregiver stress. I hope you have already started seeing the changes.
If you would prefer to watch my video on this topic click here.
So for today: Is your loved one doing things on purpose? The things that upset you, make life harder for you, saying things that are hurtful, are those things on purpose?
These questions seem to be fueled by situations where your LOWD seems to be nice to everyone else except for you. Or your LOWD may have always been a bit rude or mean to you in the past when they didn't have dementia so you feel that they are just being the same to you right now. And this lead to you feel anger, frustration, and resentment because you are giving so much care just to be treated poorly.
Today I want to offer you a new way to think about these situations. In response to your question, I’m going to offer another question that I want you to consider. And rather than just brush this question off quickly I want you to seriously consider it. It will be the difference between holding onto resentment as you continue on your journey and feeling more free, calm, and compassionate about your situation.
How does your thinking your LOWD is doing things on purpose to hurt you and make your life more difficult make you feel?
It probably makes you feel upset, angry, frustrated, and resentful. After all, you are providing so much care so much sacrifice and to think that your LOWD is purposefully saying nasty things, doing things to make you clean up, saying things to others to make you look bad...that is NOT a good situation.
In fact, that kind of thinking is going to backfire and give you even more problems because as we’ve been learning, the way you feel impacts your behavior and do you think your behavior during care tasks is going to be calm, peaceful, and welcoming if you are thinking your LO is doing things on purpose or do you think you may be showing some signs of distress and frustration which your LO will pick up on.
Let’s say it’s true, which we don’t know, but let’s say for whatever reason it’s true, how does that thought help you?
It doesn’t. There is just no way that thought serves you in any way.
So if that thought doesn’t serve you. It doesn’t help you. In fact, it just makes your care giving situation worse, what might be a more helpful thought to get through those tough moments?
Would a thought that the dementia is the cause of those behaviors and comments be more helpful? How would you feel If you thought that your LOWD said nasty things because the mind’s filter has faded from the dementia (which often happens) how would that make you feel? Vs. thinking they were saying those things on purpose?
Which thought is more serving. You are in control of what you want to think. Do you want to feel resentful or do you want to feel compassion? The choice is yours.
This concept is quite simple and I know I’m making it sound easy, but I understand it is not. But what’s also not easy is going along your care giving situation constantly feeling like your LO is purposefully trying to make your life more difficult. That’s not easy either. So paying attention to your thoughts and choosing the thoughts that serve you is a new skill, something to practice, and something I believe can truly help you.
Let me know your thoughts below. Which way of thinking do you want to practice?